Don’t Take It So Seriously, It’s Just A Joke — Or Is It?
In Britain for example, many people find it very hard to say what they really feel or think. Britain is an island so people are often more inward than outward looking, yet unlike many Americans, the British don’t all have shrinks.
The British prefer to bottle up their feelings and pretend to be stoic. We have to be. The weather forces this stoicism from anyone who has ever lived here, even if it’s just for a short while.
This is why, in my opinion, the comedy scene is so big. Comedy creates an emotional outlet and it can also be very funny.
The British are excellent at laughing at themselves and this is why the British do so well at comedy. This is certainly not to say that for example, the Americans aren’t good — they are excellent at comedy. Their comedy is just different.
However, if you’re unable to say what you feel in real life then hearing other people or comedians say what you are dying to say yourself, can come as a relief or if you’ve witnessed a tragedy, then comedy can be an alternative therapeutic outlet.
There is however a difference between watching a comedian and using humour in your personal life.
There is also a difference between being able to laugh at yourself, using humour to make light of difficult moments, versus disguising negative comments that would otherwise never be said — as a joke with people you know.
It’s when destructive comments are made, which when queried, instead of the person saying ‘I’m sorry’, they cover their tracks, by stating that what they’ve said was ‘just a joke’.
This should create fury.
Brushing off what caused pain can be hurtful. Making light of a cruel statement as ‘just a joke’ is a bullying tactic. It makes someone feel small whilst the ‘joker’ is allowed to feel big and powerful. Often the ‘joker’ may try to act the victim once accused — but isn’t that what a bully does!
If this behaviour is not addressed, then the ‘joker’ may think they’ve got away with it — and they may think they can do it again, that is — if you don’t put an immediate stop to it. If people cross your emotional boundaries it is always best to put a quick end to it, otherwise it will invariably reoccur because we teach others how they should treat us.
Also, if a hurtful comment is just an unfortunate slip, you would expect the person to apologize when caught out, not transfer their blunder into a joke.
We all need to take responsibility for our actions and unfortunately jokes can be used to sideline that responsibility.
Recently at the British Bafta Awards, Stephen Fry (himself an is an English comedian, actor, writer, presenter and activist) has been criticised for comparing the winning costume designer, Jenny Beaven, to a ‘bag lady’.
He most probably blurred the lines between being a comedian and making a joke of a personal friend.
Fry responded saying that it was an in-joke and that what he said was just a joke.
Criticized and feeling somewhat abandoned by his fans he threw a hissy fit. He has now decided to punish his fans and quit Twitter.
Many of his reasons to quit Twitter have been accurate however given the timing of his decision, one cannot help feeling that the ‘throwing of his toys out of the cot’ is only but a strategic way of removing himself from guilt.
Jenny Beaven on the other hand, has insisted that she’s not upset. Is this to do with the British stoicism I spoke of earlier or is it that the British hate to kick up a fuss plus they certainly hate complaining?
We may never know.
However, I urge you to question this technique called ‘just a joke’.
If it happens to you put an immediate stop to it. Jokes like these are never just jokes, especially if they are personal attacks or comments about what you said, your appearance and so on.
Also, if you have a tendency to fall back on the habit of making jokes be careful — they can be hurtful and therefore unnecessary and you don’t want to be seen as a bully.
So let’s all take care with regards what we say and do.
© 2016 Deidré Wallace All rights reserved.
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I am a fully UK qualified Psychodynamic Relationship Therapist, Life Coach and Teacher.
I am not offering relationship advice, I am offering relationship knowledge.
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